Bert (My Chief Feline Officer)

One of the most spoiled (and loved) cats ever adopted from the Montgomery County SPCA is my senior staffer, Bert. Named for the Renaissance sculptor Lorenzo Ghiberti, who was famous for his bronzes (look that one up in your Funk and Wagnalls—or just check Wikipedia), Bert found a home with us in 2008. And no, you are not mistaken; he really is unbelievably handsome. The “Bert-inator” handles outside security (when the weather is warm and not rainy), keeping a close eye on any neighborhood cats that might dare to wander into his yard. In addition to his regular duties as CFO, Bert is responsible for training new feline associates so they can be successful in their roles as pampered suburban house cats. It is a tough job, but he seems up to the challenge. When he is not busy with his official tasks, Bert likes to spend his time hunting (mice, birds, chipmunks, snakes, cicadas, etc.), napping (all that hunting and stalking is rather tiring) and finding quiet places to nap away from his South Philly office mates.

Cleopatra and Bastet (My Senior Staffers)

Born at the South Philly refinery where my husband had an office, Cleopatra (named for, well, Cleopatra—and my previous three cats also named Cleopatra) and Bastet (named for the Egyptian goddess of cats) joined my staff in the spring of 2015. With Bert’s expert guidance, the sisters quickly mastered their new house-cat responsibilities. Already experts at being unbelievably cute when they arrived, they soon mastered other important house-cat skills like using kitty litter, playing with toys, running from room to room, hiding in extremely small spaces, and chasing their tails (an important skill in any organization).

Already excelling at team-building exercises like synchronized napping, collaborative bathing, and group mischief, the girls quickly began exploring their individual strengths. Assuming the dual role of union rep for the feline local and office manager, Bastet (my all orange girl) spends her days keeping track of where her sister is (a job she has been doing since their early days at the refinery), and what Bert is up to, Luna’s general location, where and when treats are being dispensed, and if there is a stray bug in the house. And when Cleopatra (the orange and white kitty) is not daydreaming about becoming a feline supermodel (because she is just so darn pretty), she spends much of her time exploring with Bert. (She is fondly referred to her as Mrs. Bert—and, yes, I can confirm an interoffice romance). As she follows him throughout the yard and house, it is often hard to tell where cat stops and the other one starts. And shockingly, Bert doesn’t even seem to mind (much).

Luna (My Junior Staffer)

With three cats on staff, there shouldn’t have been any neglected feline duties in my operation. But like any group, the kitty org chart had a few unassigned responsibilities. The lap cat function had been ignored for some time, and none of our current crop of cats was interested in expanding their job descriptions to take on that additional task. After secretly vetting candidates for the open lap cat position at the same South Philly refinery where he recruited Cleo and Bas, my husband, Rich, eventually found a winning applicant and he hired her on the spot. She begin work immediately, and, in honor of her start date which was the same day as the August 2017 eclipse, I named her Luna after the Roman moon goddess (and one of my favorite Harry Potter characters).

As a relative (cousin? niece? aunt?—or something) of Cleo and Bas (cat family trees can be pretty complicated), she was quickly incorporated into the kitty command structure. I had not planned on adding a fourth cat to my staff and often wonder if I need to add “crazy cat lady” to the list of skills on my resume. And, although I did question my husband’s sanity (not for the first time) in adding to our feline grouping, I will say that Luna has been an invaluable addition to my staff and is a most excellent lap cat.